“Another day, another dollar” is probably the phrase millions and millions of commuters mumble to themselves each day to get by the hustle and bustle of public transportation. Though, nothing ever helps getting through traveling each day amongst crowds filled with loud, noisy, smelly, ugly, and handicapped people. Don’t gasp because I said the word ‘handicapped’ in a way that portrays them as an obstacle in your daily life, it’s true. Think about it, you’ve been on buses and trains before where the conductor or driver holds up your trip so that person, with a cane or a wheelchair, can board. “Un-fucking-real” was the first thing that popped into your mind, especially since five extra minutes had just been tacked onto your already miserable trip.
Now, of course, it never ends there. The handicap was just the cherry-on-top. Cell phone mania has become the gift and the curse of the human race, mostly because you can talk, text, and gain access to the Internet ANYWHERE. Unfortunately, that anywhere just so happens to be on your daily commutes. So, you tend to learn why the pregnant Latino woman is pissed about her baby’s daddy’s recent arrest, why some teenage girl colored her hair to look like Nicki Minaj, or why some “businessman” is taking mass transit but has “a big job and big money.”
The list goes on and on of what many of you probably have heard, but you get the picture. I’m a firm believer in noise-cancellation headphones, you should become one too.
Then, there are those that forget they have running water at home. Whether it’s the smelly fucks that think just spraying Axe, or whatever cheap cologne is in these days, without showering first or the people that go to the gym and leave, without showering afterwards, to continue on with their day without even thinking they might pass another human being who may smell them. I suggest carrying around a travel size spray bottle of soap and water, mixed with deodorant, for those “special cases.” Just don’t confuse that with your pepper-spray bottle, you just want to sanitize them not hospitalize them. Also, don’t let the homeless person that takes up a huge amount of space, due to their stench, deter you from claiming your royal seat. Keep a can of Febreze on you at all times, mostly for when you’ve reached the final level and have to fight the big homeless monster.
Now, if you fell into any of these categories, I suggest you keep track of your surroundings. Because, guaranteed, someone is either recording you for YouTube or finally fed up with the daily bullshit and you’re about to get shoveled.
For those of you that have fallen victim to these situations, SAVE UP SOME FUCKING MONEY AND BUY A CAR. Gas prices are dropping like Kim Kardashian at a Popeye’s gloryhole, so it’s time to start using that to your advantage. But, until then, continue to enjoy the asinine adventures you’ve put yourself in day after day.
You may not realize it, but social networking has taken over the world. Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, LinkedIn, and blah blah blah blah has completely stepped in as your therapist. You’re rambling each day to God knows who or what about stuff no one really cares about except yourself. You’ve picked up a few extra friends or followers and now you feel like you can take on the world and let it all out, because our dumb asses led you to believe we’re really listening for your sake.
Remember the old saying “they aren’t laughing with you, they’re laughing at you?” Well, that’s what we’re all doing, laughing at you because it helps us not feel bad about our own problems for awhile. Now, don’t go feeling bad for yourself by deactivating your accounts, (mostly for people who are Internehovah’s Witnesses), I’m just here to help you remember reality.
Therapists around the world must hate all of the social media blogs. I’m surprised they haven’t figured a way to sue them all yet. All that time spent in school, all those student loans, and now, all of the “no-appointments scheduled today” said by Siri.
Shouldn’t we feel bad that we may, possibly, be keeping alcohol off of their tables? Eh, who cares. Back to rambling on my numerous outlets to my numerous friends and followers.
Greetings from one dope thinker to another. Like you, I too believe that kids should have an opportunity to hang out, and be inspired in a dope environment, where they can just chill, or have their minds blown by crazy new art, or even older masterworks remixed, or reimagined…
I joined Twitter on March 20, 2011 but officially started using it in May 2011. Since then I’ve discovered many people on Twitter that are funny, inspirational, and creative. There are many people that should be on this list, but these are the people that stood out to me the most:
25. @_KennyVee_ - After the war on drugs and the war on crime, I can’t wait for the war on war.
24. @tamytoo2 - I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
23. @CoastieFish - Ever been so drunk that you cooked a pizza at 20 degrees for 350 minutes?
22. @ChorePush - My friends keep asking about the exclusive comedy club I’ve been talking about but I don’t have the heart to tell them it’s just Twitter.
21. @RitleySammich - I would order a lot more pizza if they said “Dominos motherfucker.” when I answered the door.
20. @thatstings - Weddings are funerals for blowjobs
19. @IGotSmarts - When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
18. @Pat_Healy - Obama is president and The Help is #1 at the box office. Racism is over you guys!!!! We did it!!!!
17. @MrBrownEye2 - If you think you love something, set it on fire. If you’re still attracted to it with all the burn scars, then it is love.
16. @DesignerSays - Go into the bathroom and stare at the mirror while saying your twitter username 3 times. I guarantee you that a gullible idiot will appear.
15. @CroweJam - My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
14. @PyrBliss - You know what feels better than cotton? Fucking. Fucking should be the fabric of our lives, not cotton.
13. @MichaelTKennedy - Black women know that hospitals do paternity tests, too, and not just Maury, right?
12. @SeanInCypress - Ben Franklin ties a key to a kite, and he’s a hero. I duct tape a kitten to a stop sign, and I’m an asshole? Really, History?
11. @WordsOfAHooker - Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
10. @Frankie_Val - 100 ways to reach me: 1.) Text Me. 2.) Call Me. 2.) E-Mail. 3.) FB …. 98.) Homing Pigeon. 99.) Signal Flares. 100.) Voice Mail
9. @IdStandOnThat - Got in bed naked last night. Wife:”I have a headache.” Me:”Sweet, just dipped my cock in Tylenol, so take it orally or as a suppository.”
8. @TrainedHedonist - I’m old enough to remember when MTV wasn’t just a camera someone left on in a trailer home.
7. @RobFee - Thanks iPhone autocorrect, I’m sure my dad wanted to know that I miss going on our weekend fisting trips.
6. @JordyHamrick - Just saw a homeless woman try to use a cat as a telephone. She accepted a cigarette in exchange for the cat. Cat is my telephone now.
5. @TequilaTears - “I would fuck Snooki for you” is the new, “I would take a bullet for you.”
4. @PaulyPeligroso - So a homophobe, a rapist, and a black guy walk into a bar, and everyone’s like “Can I have your autograph, Kobe?”
3. @Kyle_Lippert - Good choice putting $4,000 rims on your 1998 Honda Civic. That’s like Betty White going out and getting her tits done.
2. @NoogsCorner - If you’ve never heard the sound of a dial-up modem, then you’re probably too young for me to give a fuck about anything you say.
1. @WerdGenious - Saw a lady at the mall with her kid on a leash. Was going to ask if I could pet him but I did the right thing & let him sniff my ass first.
Thanks so much for the many, many laughs. You guys are brilliant and I’m glad to have the privilege of following you.
So over the past few days I’ve gotten quite a few messages asking what “Product Of The Bottle” stands for.
Product of the Bottle is the name of my upcoming “Drunkumentary,” that a production group and myself have begun to work on. I figured since I have nothing else to do with my days and tons of friends that invite me around the world to party and drink, I might as well record it. So far its actually raised a few eyebrows from some decent networks.
Not such a surprise since we all can tell the Jersey Shore is certainly on its way out of the door after this next season. I figure I might as well become the topic of many jokes but also ignorantly paid for no real talent, as well. Why not capitalize on the world’s hunger to view stupidity right?
I feel its time the world truly gets the “real reality” of what alcoholism and trashy really is from the perspective of a person above 5’5.
“Yeah I’m bad, you know it. You want me, you know it.” was the jingle I sang to myself on my sunny April morning walk of shame home. Moments after, I was struck by something massive because it and I ended up on the floor. When I gazed over to see what the hell had hit me, I came face to face with a stiff llama. Clearly, I believed this thing knocked the high right back into me since I was seeing rainbows. The manager came running out apologizing profusely but I didn’t care because I found the whole incident quite funny. I had always wanted to be manhandled to the ground, just never thought a rainbow llama on wheels would be the first to do it.
